Need a good laugh? “ “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”
You’re in the right place! 😂 Whether you’re looking to brighten your mood, spice up your social feed, or just enjoy a little comic relief, these famous funny quotes deliver timeless humor with a twist of wit.
From legendary comedians to clever authors, we’ve rounded up the most creative, trending, and laugh-out-loud quotes that never get old.
Famous Funny Quotes About Life
Here are some funny famous quotes.
Life’s a journey… and sometimes, it’s just plain weird. These quotes celebrate the absurdity in style.
- “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
- “I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
- “Life is like a sandwich—no matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first.”
- If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
- “Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.”
- “A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.”
- “My wallet is like an onion—opening it makes me cry.”
- “Life’s too short to wear matching socks.”
- “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
- “I plan on living forever. So far, so good.”
- “You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”
- “If life doesn’t scare you a little, you’re probably not doing it right.”
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
😂 Hilarious Famous Quotes
Here are some famous and funny quotes.
- “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
- “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
- “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
- “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
- “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown
- “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
😂 Popular Funny Quotes
- “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
- “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
- “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.” – Bette Reese
- “My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.” – Unknown
- “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
- “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Anonymous
- “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
- “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Anonymous
Short Funny Quotes for Instagram
Here are some famous quotes funny and short.
Need a clever caption that makes people stop scrolling and start laughing? These are pure gold.
- “Sassy, classy, and a bit smart-assy.”
- “Reality called, so I hung up.”
- “Running on caffeine, chaos, and cuss words.”
- “Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one.”
- “Confidence level: Selfie with no filter.”
- “If I were you, I would adore me.”
- “Friday called. She’s bringing wine!”
- “My sense of humor is as dry as my phone battery.”
- “Too glam to give a damn.”
- “Sarcasm is my cardio.”
- “I’m not weird. I’m a limited edition.”
- “If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it for you.”
- “Caution: Too hot to handle… and not great at math.”
- “Smile big. Laugh often. Pretend you have it together.”
- “No rainbows without a little rain—and weirdness.”
🤣 Famous Funny Sayings
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
- “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”
- “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
- “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”
- “Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
- “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
- “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.”
- “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
- “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
😂 Funniest Quotes Ever
Here are some funniest famous quotes.
- “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
- “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
- “Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.” – Hubert Humphrey
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Anonymous
- “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Steve Carell (The Office)
- “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
🤭 Famous Funny Lines
- “I am on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
- “I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.” – Henny Youngman
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
- “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
- “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Anonymous
- “I am not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Anonymous
- “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
- “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
- “I’m so old, I remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.” – Anonymous
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
Funny Quotes to Use in Conversations
Want to sound effortlessly witty in your next group chat or convo? Drop one of these.
- “I don’t trip. I do random gravity checks.”
- “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
- “I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.”
- “I talk to myself because I need expert advice.”
- “You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.”
- “Some people bring happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.”
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “I’m not great at math, but I know that you + me = trouble.”
- “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
- “My favorite workout is a cross between a lunge and a crunch—I call it lunch.”
- “I’m just a cupcake looking for a stud muffin.”
- “Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?”
- “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
- “Let’s agree to disagree, especially if I’m right.”
- “I’m silently correcting your grammar.”
Hilarious Quotes from Celebrities
Celebs say the funniest things—and these are some of the most iconic zingers ever uttered.
- “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey
- “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” —Les Dawson
- “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” —Steven Wright
- “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” —Steven Wright
- I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” —Jimmy Kimmel
- “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” —Mitch Hedberg
- “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” —Spike Milligan
- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” —Steve Carell
- “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” —Lily Tomlin
- “The road to success is dotted with tempting parking spaces.” —Will Rogers
- “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?” —Steve Jobs
- “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson (probably not)
- “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” —Mark Twain
- “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” —Groucho Marx
- “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” —Bill Murray
Funny Quotes for Work and Office Life
Because a little laughter at work goes a long way—and keeps you from sending that snarky email.
- “Due to lack of interest, today has been canceled.”
- “I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.”
- “I’m not late. I’m on company time.”
- “Work hard so you can shop harder.”
- “My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.”
- “The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.”
- “Why do I have to press 1 for English? Did America move?”
- “Teamwork makes the dream work… until someone eats your lunch.”
- “If Monday had a face, I’d punch it.”
- “My job is secure. No one else wants it.”
- “I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a paycheck.”
- “Retirement: When you stop lying about being sick at work.”
- “Coffee: because adulting is hard.”
- “I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”
- “Office: where dreams go to die.”
Laugh-Out-Loud Quotes for Friends
Friendship is basically roasting each other with love—these quotes are proof.
- “Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
- “We go together like coffee and donut holes.”
- “My friends are the weirdest, funniest, and most awesome people I’ve ever met.”
- We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
- “Friendship: finding that one person who doesn’t ask why you’re weird.”
- “You’re the peanut butter to my jelly. And the punchline to my jokes.”
- “Some people graduate with honors. I am just honored to have you as a friend.”
- “You and I are more than friends—we’re like a small gang.”
- “Our friendship is like a nap. It’s not serious, but it feels right.”
- “A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg—even if you’re a little cracked.”
- “Friends are therapists you can drink with.”
- “I love you like Kanye loves Kanye.”
- “We’ve been friends so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
- You’re basically the reason I have trust issues… and I love that.”
Conclusion
Laughter really is the best medicine—and now you’ve got a whole prescription pad full of witty, weird, and wonderful quotes to share, post, or laugh at during your lunch break. Pick your favorite, throw it into a caption, or save it for that friend who always needs a good chuckle. Life’s too short to take seriously, so go ahead—laugh a little louder and share the funny!
